Creating this blog was the easy part, releasing it to you the reader was a test of all that I have been working on inside myself.
My mantra recently has been “I am creating safety and trust within.” This was not easy. It has come in waves, I have been tested and challenged in order to keep strengthening myself. There is a lot around this that I will share at another time. I felt secure for the first time in not only expressing what I wanted the site to look like, the designer-artist in me, but also how I wanted to share with you who I am. I trusted myself to ask for help in building out the site. I am not knowledgeable in computer programs or how to code. So when I hired a woman to help me put this out it was a leap of trust. Trust that I would once again not allow myself to let go of my vision. What I discovered is if I am clear of what I am needing and ask in a clear way I found a talented woman who would collaborate with me and encourage me to expand my vision with every step. Which brings me to what you are looking at today. A site that reflects who I am. That gives me a platform to be me. I loved all the hard work that had brought forth the site. All is good. I thought.
As I was ready to send out the announcement to friends I literally became sick. There was no reason for it. I wanted to blame it on the dinner I ate but it came on too quickly for that to be the case. I know from my training in medicine. After trying to fight it I decided to go lie down in bed early. Asking for the feeling to go away. I watched a Netflix show and I finally fell asleep and woke up feeling better. There was still a lingering feeling but not enough to keep me from my morning routine and coffee. It was during my morning meditation and writing that the answer came to me. I was in fear. The fear was that I wasn’t ready to show you the real me. That I was afraid of the possible judgment. That I wasn’t ready to see me for who I am. The work I have done here. I paused and asked myself what I needed at that moment. The answer was to ask for support from trusted friends. To act on some of the pieces that I am asking not only of myself but offering to those who are here. Be vulnerable. Trust myself. Ask for help. The basics. The first person that came to mind was my friend from high school that has been a part of this from the beginning. The second was a woman I was recently introduced to and shared a long lunch. A woman who has owned and run a successful business and is now onto other amazing new adventures. She was new in my life but our budding friendship and my trusting I could be vulnerable and share with her what was happening and ask if she could support me with her words. Also asking her to do so if she could from her heart. Believing. I didn’t need just fluff. I then turned inward to that pillar of strength I have. When the woman responded she reminded me of a part of our lunch conversation.
“Remember we spoke about the importance of taking that leap off the ledge and how the worst that could happen is you’re back in the same place you started? Here is that leap again. Here is where you close your eyes, breathe and step out,” signing it, “I am here for you.” and adding, “speaking of fear and sharing it removes its power. That’s a first step! It’s that step off the ledge!” In those words I was reminded of what I have taught myself. I am safe and trust that who I am is me. I am now ready to not only jump but to soar! And I am not alone.
